Sometimes there is just so much to say that you can't even begin to say it. And it is all so good, or so bad, or so important, or so deep, or so mushed together in your mind that putting it into words seems quite far from possible and not appealing in the least.
But here is goes. My mushy thoughts spewed out through my fingers.
The Lord loves me so much. Everything He does is a desperate act through which He hopes to catch my attention. And He loves you so much. And He loves that man on the subway I was sitting next to today as I prayed my rosary, and the one singing to the entire train car just to get a couple cents, and the student I had dinner with. He loves them so much. He wants to use me to love them, but I don't let Him. Lord, You want me to talk to this random dude with unkempt hair and a mean-looking New York demeanor? He'll think I'm a freak. I'd rather just secretly pray my rosary, thanks.
No. No! No no no! I let it pass. That opportunity to bring Him into the world. To be like Mary for just one moment. To allow Him to love others and to love me. And why? WHY? Why did I let it pass?
Because I am weak.
So, so weak.
Bah. But this is where we come back to the part about how much He loves me, because even when I fail, He still loves me and offers me a way to share in His life and allows me to enter into His Trinitarian relationship. He gives me the chance to run to Him, and lean on Him, to unite myself to Him. All this, still available, even when I FAIL Him. Wow how little my love is compared to His. Or rather, how great His love is compared to everything.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Adventure
"Whenever we come together to listen to the Word of God, what we are seeking at bottom is not mental information or moral instruction or even a sentimental influence that will make us "feel" the presence and goodness of God. What we seek with all our soul, rather, is the possibility of opening ourselves up in prayer to God's transforming action. Whether we are fully conscious of it or not, in other words, we desire a change of life, a conversion from what we presently are to a more precise embodiment of the likeness of Christ at the center of our being, radiating our from us through all our thoughts, words, and actions. This is why the life of contemplation is the boldest and most adventuresome of undertakings, for what could be more radical, more truly earth-shattering, than the willingness to be dismantled and created anew, not once or twice in a lifetime, but day after day? 'If any one is in Christ, he is a new creation' (2 Corinthians 5:17)."
-Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis, The Way of the Disciple, pg 18
HAPPY EASTER!! He is risen! Alleluia!
-Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis, The Way of the Disciple, pg 18
HAPPY EASTER!! He is risen! Alleluia!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Stations in the Village
Yesterday was Good Friday. I spent the day at St. Patrick's Cathedral at a three-hour long reflection on the seven last words of Christ with Father Robert Barron followed by a Good Friday Liturgy with Cardinal Dolan (I love living in New York!).
The coolest part of the day was still to come, though. The Vocations department for Archdiocese organized a Stations of the Cross through the southern part of Manhattan. On a Friday night that is nothing special to someone who isn't Christian, it must have been strange to outsiders to see a large group of people led by a guy in a purple cape and a crucifix, singing hymns of praise in Latin, while walking through the streets of one of the most liberal areas of one of the most liberal cities in the world.
But that's exactly what we did. We made our way from church to church or landmark to landmark, stopping at each to pray and reflect on a different moment in Christ's passion or pray a decade of the rosary. It took four hours, concluding finally at 1am, and we must have walked about 6-8 miles, but it was awesome.
Some people supported what we were doing, some people didn't, but most just stared for a second and then ignored us.
The hardest moment for me what at the very beginning - our first stop. When the organizers originally planned the route a few years ago, they made this the first stop, not knowing it was directly in front of Planned Parenthood. In the past, people have thrown eggs at the group from their windows above, but this year that didn't happen. Instead, as we were singing, a woman started screaming at us our her window- not profanities, but rather something much sadder, and very true. "Jesus. forgave. everyone!" she pleaded. Everyone. She screamed it over and over and over and over again. She is so right. And it pained me so much to hear her anger and sadness geared toward us, and to know how wrong her impression of us was, but not be able to make it right.
Jesus died to forgive everyone. We were standing there last night to condemn, but rather to ask that He do just that. That He have mercy on those who have had abortions and to heal them.
My heart broke a little at that moment. How much misconception there is out there about the Church and what She stands for. I hope I can do my part now and always to make it right, at least a little.
There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.
Archbishop Fulton Sheen
The coolest part of the day was still to come, though. The Vocations department for Archdiocese organized a Stations of the Cross through the southern part of Manhattan. On a Friday night that is nothing special to someone who isn't Christian, it must have been strange to outsiders to see a large group of people led by a guy in a purple cape and a crucifix, singing hymns of praise in Latin, while walking through the streets of one of the most liberal areas of one of the most liberal cities in the world.
But that's exactly what we did. We made our way from church to church or landmark to landmark, stopping at each to pray and reflect on a different moment in Christ's passion or pray a decade of the rosary. It took four hours, concluding finally at 1am, and we must have walked about 6-8 miles, but it was awesome.
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| On a street corner in Greenwich Village, by NYU |
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| Washington Square Park |
Some people supported what we were doing, some people didn't, but most just stared for a second and then ignored us.
The hardest moment for me what at the very beginning - our first stop. When the organizers originally planned the route a few years ago, they made this the first stop, not knowing it was directly in front of Planned Parenthood. In the past, people have thrown eggs at the group from their windows above, but this year that didn't happen. Instead, as we were singing, a woman started screaming at us our her window- not profanities, but rather something much sadder, and very true. "Jesus. forgave. everyone!" she pleaded. Everyone. She screamed it over and over and over and over again. She is so right. And it pained me so much to hear her anger and sadness geared toward us, and to know how wrong her impression of us was, but not be able to make it right.
Jesus died to forgive everyone. We were standing there last night to condemn, but rather to ask that He do just that. That He have mercy on those who have had abortions and to heal them.
My heart broke a little at that moment. How much misconception there is out there about the Church and what She stands for. I hope I can do my part now and always to make it right, at least a little.
There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.
Archbishop Fulton Sheen
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Mission in Haiti
Last week I went to Haiti.
In fact, my whole team came with me, as well as our chaplain, 5 Columbia students, and 6 students from other universities, including my brother.
We spent the week working with an order of Italian priests called the Scalibrinis. They have established a complex about 7 miles east of Port-au-Prince that contains a seminary for about 300 young men, a school for hundreds of kids, a bread factory run by Haitians who can then sell the bread in the city, a site where houses are being constructed for displaced people to live in (the Haitians have also been employed to build these), a medical clinic, and a physical therapy clinic. We got to help out with all of those.
The Archbishop of Port-au-Prince was also temporarily living on the premises, since his residence was destroyed in the quake. The former archbishop actually died in his home and is buried there at the Scalibrini's, along with his former secretary, who was at the Cathedral when it collapsed on him. One of the priests told us an amazing story about him: he remained alive for seven days after the quake, stuck in the rubble, speaking with those who were trying to get him out. When they finally reached him a week later, though, he had passed away. When they uncovered him, he was found clasping a rosary in one hand, and the Eucharist in the other. Wow. What an incredible testament of faith, huh?
One of the coolest parts of the trip was the opportunities God gave us to interact with the local people. Even though most of them did not speak English, we were still able to communicate. I even got to use some French!
One of the days, we had the privilege of being invited to visit the Papal Nuncio (the ambassador to the Vatican).
He lives on a hill that overlooks the city. From his home we could see the massive amount of destruction and poverty. Parts of the city that had nothing in them before the earthquake are now filled with tents or small houses made of cardboard.
We also drove around and saw the Cathedral that collapsed, as well as the President's palace and some of the tent cities that have since been set up to house people.
The last day we were there, we got to work with the Missionaries of Charity in a clinic they run for malnourished children. It was a terribly heart-breaking experience, as all we could do was hold these teeny children and pray for them.
Overall, the Lord challenged me to search for Him in every moment of every day, in the mundane and in the incredible, in the poor and in the privileged. He challenged me to trust Him and demonstrated that He is always working. He always does more for me than I expect from Him and surprises me every day with His love.
It was a beautiful trip, and I am thankful for all the work the Lord did in the hearts of my team and our students. Please pray for a continual conversion of heart for each of the students, and that we may continue to learn from the experience!
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| the streets of Port-au-Prince |
In fact, my whole team came with me, as well as our chaplain, 5 Columbia students, and 6 students from other universities, including my brother.
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| our group at the airport |
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| helping out with one of the construction projects |
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| getting to pray in the archbishop's private chapel |
One of the coolest parts of the trip was the opportunities God gave us to interact with the local people. Even though most of them did not speak English, we were still able to communicate. I even got to use some French!
 |
| hanging out with some kids after playing soccer |
One of the days, we had the privilege of being invited to visit the Papal Nuncio (the ambassador to the Vatican).
 |
| Justin with the Nuncio (he is a Bishop originally from the Philippines) |
We also drove around and saw the Cathedral that collapsed, as well as the President's palace and some of the tent cities that have since been set up to house people.
 | |
| The President's Palace |
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| a tent city |
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| The Cathedral |
The last day we were there, we got to work with the Missionaries of Charity in a clinic they run for malnourished children. It was a terribly heart-breaking experience, as all we could do was hold these teeny children and pray for them.
Overall, the Lord challenged me to search for Him in every moment of every day, in the mundane and in the incredible, in the poor and in the privileged. He challenged me to trust Him and demonstrated that He is always working. He always does more for me than I expect from Him and surprises me every day with His love.
It was a beautiful trip, and I am thankful for all the work the Lord did in the hearts of my team and our students. Please pray for a continual conversion of heart for each of the students, and that we may continue to learn from the experience!
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| my team is awesome, and I am so thankful for them |
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The paradoxes of Christianity
Christianity is kind of crazy.
Don't believe me? Just read the Beatitudes. The meek shall inherit the earth. Huh? The meek? Yeah, them.
Jesus tells us:
Become a slave to find freedom.
Die to be born anew.
Suffer to find deeper joy.
Give yourself away to be full.
Find joy in persecution.
Weird.
But really, it's not weird. It's just greater than me and you and greater than human instinct and desire and wisdom. It's beautiful, really, what the Lord does:
For since in the wisdom of God the world did not come to know God through wisdom, it was the will of God through the foolishness of the proclamation to save those who have faith. (1 Corinthians 1:21)
He makes worldly wisdom worthless, so that man should not boast. He makes His wisdom (the cross) seem foolish so that faith is necessary to believe.
And St. Paul gets it. He says, For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with the wisdom of human eloquence, so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its meaning (1 Corinthians 1:17). The Cross of Christ speaks for itself. No need for fancy rhetoric or eloquent wording. It's quite easy to get caught up in that stuff, though, especially here in the Ivy Leagues. Blah.
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ, and him crucified (1 Corinthians 2: 2)
Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. Nothing else matters if not for Him. And because of Him, we can find joy in suffering, we can find freedom in conforming (to His will), we can find new life in death to ourselves.
Thank you, Jesus!
Don't believe me? Just read the Beatitudes. The meek shall inherit the earth. Huh? The meek? Yeah, them.
Jesus tells us:
Become a slave to find freedom.
Die to be born anew.
Suffer to find deeper joy.
Give yourself away to be full.
Find joy in persecution.
Weird.
But really, it's not weird. It's just greater than me and you and greater than human instinct and desire and wisdom. It's beautiful, really, what the Lord does:
For since in the wisdom of God the world did not come to know God through wisdom, it was the will of God through the foolishness of the proclamation to save those who have faith. (1 Corinthians 1:21)
He makes worldly wisdom worthless, so that man should not boast. He makes His wisdom (the cross) seem foolish so that faith is necessary to believe.
And St. Paul gets it. He says, For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with the wisdom of human eloquence, so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its meaning (1 Corinthians 1:17). The Cross of Christ speaks for itself. No need for fancy rhetoric or eloquent wording. It's quite easy to get caught up in that stuff, though, especially here in the Ivy Leagues. Blah.
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ, and him crucified (1 Corinthians 2: 2)
Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. Nothing else matters if not for Him. And because of Him, we can find joy in suffering, we can find freedom in conforming (to His will), we can find new life in death to ourselves.
Thank you, Jesus!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Happy Lent!
Why happy Lent? Because, as St. Paul says: now is the day of salvation. Woohoo!
So many Catholics come to Ash Wednesday Mass! It's wonderful! It's even more than usually come to Sunday Mass. I'm not quite sure why it's that way. But it's an amazing opportunity for us as missionaries to reach out to those who may not be practicing regularly. Father Dan gave a killer homily in which he invited people to restore and rekindle their relationship with God. He echoed the words of St. Paul in the second reading: We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
Ash Wednesday is not even a Holy Day of Obligation, yet it seems like the chapel is overflowing with people. And it's the only time of the year that, for the rest of day, you're walking around with a very obvious mark on your forehead. You're basically waving a sign around that says, "I'm Catholic".
Ergo, we decided to take advantage of this opportunity. The team, my disciple Rosie, and I made it a point to meet every ash-marked student on Columbia's campus we could find. We got to introduce ourselves in a pretty natural way, let them know we are available to them as support, and even invite a few people to Bible study! It was fun.
I pray that you really dive into this Lenten season and accept the forgiveness the Lord offers all those who call upon Him!
So many Catholics come to Ash Wednesday Mass! It's wonderful! It's even more than usually come to Sunday Mass. I'm not quite sure why it's that way. But it's an amazing opportunity for us as missionaries to reach out to those who may not be practicing regularly. Father Dan gave a killer homily in which he invited people to restore and rekindle their relationship with God. He echoed the words of St. Paul in the second reading: We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
Ash Wednesday is not even a Holy Day of Obligation, yet it seems like the chapel is overflowing with people. And it's the only time of the year that, for the rest of day, you're walking around with a very obvious mark on your forehead. You're basically waving a sign around that says, "I'm Catholic".
Ergo, we decided to take advantage of this opportunity. The team, my disciple Rosie, and I made it a point to meet every ash-marked student on Columbia's campus we could find. We got to introduce ourselves in a pretty natural way, let them know we are available to them as support, and even invite a few people to Bible study! It was fun.
I pray that you really dive into this Lenten season and accept the forgiveness the Lord offers all those who call upon Him!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Semester in Review
Well, I have finished my first semester as a missionary! Phew! I have learned an awful lot about myself, about God, about people, about life... Here are just a few things (15 to be exact) that I can think of while I sit here, procrastinating doing some MPD (Mission Partner Development - aka fund-raising):
1. Missionaries are needed! I mean, really needed! Especially in New York, where the world views and the mindsets are so far from God it's incredible. But nothing is impossible for God.
2. I like cities. It's fun to live in NYC. I like all the people around all the time. I like the walking and Subway riding. But there are definitely moments where I miss my mountains and stars!
3. I am so so so blessed to have been shown the love God has for me. Where would I be if He had not summoned me?
4. I stink at communicating my feelings, and I hate confronting issues. That's not good when you're on a very small team.
5. God's plan is greater than my plan. His ideas are better, more creative, more successful, and bring about more good than mine ever could.
6. I can be outgoing if I try.
7. The devil is real. And he doesn't like missionaries. He's a sneaky little coward, too.
8. If I get rejected, it means I'm doing something right.
9. The answer is always, always love. Love God. Love you neighbor. Love God by loving your neighbor. Love at any cost to yourself, including your pride and your comfort. But first and foremost, you must be loved by Love, Himself.
10. Without community and support, we become weak. Without prayer, we have no fuel.
11. I still don't really know what I'm doing.
12. God answers prayers. He has done so in such concrete ways for me this semester.
13. I have been coming to a better understanding of how deep and penetrating God's love is. He has shown me so much more of Himself, and I am so thankful.
14. I have learned just how weak my faith really is. I still do not trust Him with everything. I still won't give Him all. I have learned how much I need Him.
15. Lastly, everything is a reflection of God's mercy. A dear friend has been sharing a lot about his experience with Mercy, and he passed this little nugget from Curtis Martin (FOCUS founder) on to me. At first I didn't understand, but the more I pray, the more true and real it becomes. God is always trying to draw us closer to Him, through every little thing that happens in our lives. He wants us so much, that in every moment - be it one of pain or struggle or joy - He is revealing His love for us. How little we notice. He showers me with gifts every moment of every day, and I don't even think twice. I deserve none of it, yet in His mercy He pursues me. I know Love because He is merciful. Everything is a reflection of that mercy.
Thank you for the prayers! I wouldn't be here without them!
Oh, and one more thing I learned - I stink at blogging! Sorry!
1. Missionaries are needed! I mean, really needed! Especially in New York, where the world views and the mindsets are so far from God it's incredible. But nothing is impossible for God.
2. I like cities. It's fun to live in NYC. I like all the people around all the time. I like the walking and Subway riding. But there are definitely moments where I miss my mountains and stars!
3. I am so so so blessed to have been shown the love God has for me. Where would I be if He had not summoned me?
4. I stink at communicating my feelings, and I hate confronting issues. That's not good when you're on a very small team.
5. God's plan is greater than my plan. His ideas are better, more creative, more successful, and bring about more good than mine ever could.
6. I can be outgoing if I try.
7. The devil is real. And he doesn't like missionaries. He's a sneaky little coward, too.
8. If I get rejected, it means I'm doing something right.
9. The answer is always, always love. Love God. Love you neighbor. Love God by loving your neighbor. Love at any cost to yourself, including your pride and your comfort. But first and foremost, you must be loved by Love, Himself.
10. Without community and support, we become weak. Without prayer, we have no fuel.
11. I still don't really know what I'm doing.
12. God answers prayers. He has done so in such concrete ways for me this semester.
13. I have been coming to a better understanding of how deep and penetrating God's love is. He has shown me so much more of Himself, and I am so thankful.
14. I have learned just how weak my faith really is. I still do not trust Him with everything. I still won't give Him all. I have learned how much I need Him.
15. Lastly, everything is a reflection of God's mercy. A dear friend has been sharing a lot about his experience with Mercy, and he passed this little nugget from Curtis Martin (FOCUS founder) on to me. At first I didn't understand, but the more I pray, the more true and real it becomes. God is always trying to draw us closer to Him, through every little thing that happens in our lives. He wants us so much, that in every moment - be it one of pain or struggle or joy - He is revealing His love for us. How little we notice. He showers me with gifts every moment of every day, and I don't even think twice. I deserve none of it, yet in His mercy He pursues me. I know Love because He is merciful. Everything is a reflection of that mercy.
Thank you for the prayers! I wouldn't be here without them!
Oh, and one more thing I learned - I stink at blogging! Sorry!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Blessed
I am sitting now at my kitchen table, in a dark red and tan colored room, listening to the sounds that float through my window - cars honking, tires screeching, motorcyclists showing off. But louder still is the sound of music. Someone is playing a saxophone from a random rooftop nearby. He plays a beautiful, jazzy melody and reminds me of my home. It's a quiet, confident song he plays. He plays every night. Sometimes I am not as content to listen, such as when I am in bed and have to wake up early the next morning. But right now, it's peaceful. It's beautiful. It's relaxing.
We have nearly completed our first week of outreach at Columbia, and it has been a period of incredible sanctification. In this week alone I have learned approximately seventeen new ways to swallow my pride, and I have seen the devil in action. I have begun to realize the magnitude of the task God has laid before Team Columbia, the necessity of prayer, the weaknesses of my heart. I have been stretched and stomped on and blessed and blessed and blessed.
I am learning more and more the importance of faith and how easily it can be broken and shattered, and how necessary it is to prevail.
It's been a tough week. It has hurt. Praise God. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way.
We have nearly completed our first week of outreach at Columbia, and it has been a period of incredible sanctification. In this week alone I have learned approximately seventeen new ways to swallow my pride, and I have seen the devil in action. I have begun to realize the magnitude of the task God has laid before Team Columbia, the necessity of prayer, the weaknesses of my heart. I have been stretched and stomped on and blessed and blessed and blessed.
I am learning more and more the importance of faith and how easily it can be broken and shattered, and how necessary it is to prevail.
It's been a tough week. It has hurt. Praise God. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in this way.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Mercy
I've been thinking a lot lately about mercy - specifically, how much God has for me and how little I have for others.
This is, all to often, the state I am in:
I have no idea how much my sins hurt God. But He pours His infinite mercy on me nonetheless. So how can I be so merciless?
This lack of mercy is not good, you see...
For he who said, "You shall not commit adultery," also said, "You shall not kill." Even if you do not commit adultery but kill, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as people who will be judged by the law of freedom. For the judgment is merciless to one who has not shown mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.
James 2: 11-13
It does not matter how much good I do in this life if I do not show mercy towards my neighbor.
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you.
Luke 6:36-38
If I wish to win souls for Christ at Columbia, I must live mercy. Father Jacques Phillipe, in his wonderful little book, Interior Freedom, suggests:
We do more to help others experience conversion and make progress by encouraging them in the positive aspects of their lives than by condemning their errors.
I believe this is true, as Saint Paul says in Corinthians, Love is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
A lack of mercy limits our freedom and makes us less capable of loving, which is the deepest desire of our hearts. Lord, have mercy on me!
This is, all to often, the state I am in:
I have found (to my regret) that the degrees of shame and disgust which I actually feel at my own sins do not at all correspond to what my reason tells me about their comparative gravity. Just as the degree to which, in daily life, I feel the emotion of fear has very little to do with my rational judgment of the danger. I'd sooner have really nasty seas when I'm in an open boat than look down in perfect (actual) safety from the edge of a cliff. Similarly, I have confessed ghastly uncharities with less reluctance than small unmentionables -- or those sins which happen to be ungentlemanly as well as unchristian. Our emotional reactions to our own behaviour are of limited ethical significance.
C.S. Lewis
I have no idea how much my sins hurt God. But He pours His infinite mercy on me nonetheless. So how can I be so merciless?
This lack of mercy is not good, you see...
For he who said, "You shall not commit adultery," also said, "You shall not kill." Even if you do not commit adultery but kill, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as people who will be judged by the law of freedom. For the judgment is merciless to one who has not shown mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.
James 2: 11-13
It does not matter how much good I do in this life if I do not show mercy towards my neighbor.
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you.
Luke 6:36-38
If I wish to win souls for Christ at Columbia, I must live mercy. Father Jacques Phillipe, in his wonderful little book, Interior Freedom, suggests:
We do more to help others experience conversion and make progress by encouraging them in the positive aspects of their lives than by condemning their errors.
I believe this is true, as Saint Paul says in Corinthians, Love is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
A lack of mercy limits our freedom and makes us less capable of loving, which is the deepest desire of our hearts. Lord, have mercy on me!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Yes
Sometimes, I think to myself: what. the. heck. am I doing? Hi, I'm Laura. I'm shy. I like to be independent; do things alone; watch people I don't know, not talk to them.
Story: One time, at the beginning of my junior year, during Vandy Catholic's fall outreach, a friend and I went to the Commons (freshmen housing) during their Movie on the Lawn night to gather some fresh blood... I mean, first years... and invite them to the Ice Cream Social happening at the Frassati House. We went, spent a good hour or so there, and somehow managed to return to the Frassati House with no less than 15 freshmen in tow. It was a team effort, really. You see, my friend did all the talking, and I... well, I held the sign. That's right. Oh, I mean, I was a killer sign-holder. I even drew the sign. That hand-drawn ice cream cone must have looked pretty appetizing in order to get those 15 young'uns to follow us 20 minutes from the Commons to Frassati. And the arrow... it was always pointing in the right direction. Yeah, I was a killer sign-holder.
I tell you this story to give you an idea of where I come from and where I still feel most comfortable. Behind the sign. No need to speak. I mean, didn't Saint Francis say, "Preach the Gospel always, if necessary use words"? Well, that is too tempting for me. You think I'll be an effective missionary at Columbia if I walk around all day holding a sign? I wish. But that's not what God has called me to do. He just keeps pushing me further and further.
In the past few years, God has made me ask people for things they don't really want to give and do things they don't really want to do; knock on strangers' doors, disrupt their day, and ask questions they don't really want to answer. Now, I've said yes to a job that asks me to invite myself into others' lives in an endless variety of ways and not leave them alone until they start doing the same. Not easy for someone who just wants to be a people-pleasing fly on the wall.
What. the. heck. am I doing?
... His will, I guess. And by 'guess', I mean 'know'. And, I suppose, I really don't need to know anything else.
Story: One time, at the beginning of my junior year, during Vandy Catholic's fall outreach, a friend and I went to the Commons (freshmen housing) during their Movie on the Lawn night to gather some fresh blood... I mean, first years... and invite them to the Ice Cream Social happening at the Frassati House. We went, spent a good hour or so there, and somehow managed to return to the Frassati House with no less than 15 freshmen in tow. It was a team effort, really. You see, my friend did all the talking, and I... well, I held the sign. That's right. Oh, I mean, I was a killer sign-holder. I even drew the sign. That hand-drawn ice cream cone must have looked pretty appetizing in order to get those 15 young'uns to follow us 20 minutes from the Commons to Frassati. And the arrow... it was always pointing in the right direction. Yeah, I was a killer sign-holder.
I tell you this story to give you an idea of where I come from and where I still feel most comfortable. Behind the sign. No need to speak. I mean, didn't Saint Francis say, "Preach the Gospel always, if necessary use words"? Well, that is too tempting for me. You think I'll be an effective missionary at Columbia if I walk around all day holding a sign? I wish. But that's not what God has called me to do. He just keeps pushing me further and further.
In the past few years, God has made me ask people for things they don't really want to give and do things they don't really want to do; knock on strangers' doors, disrupt their day, and ask questions they don't really want to answer. Now, I've said yes to a job that asks me to invite myself into others' lives in an endless variety of ways and not leave them alone until they start doing the same. Not easy for someone who just wants to be a people-pleasing fly on the wall.
What. the. heck. am I doing?
... His will, I guess. And by 'guess', I mean 'know'. And, I suppose, I really don't need to know anything else.
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